I haven't come across many online dating advice resources for women that I consider valuable. You might have noticed that (until today) I didn't.
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I just walked in the door after a night out The evening started on a high note. I felt great before I went out. I slept well last night, got a lot done today, had a good workout this afternoon, was dressed well and was generally in a good mood. When I got to the bar there was a good crowd and a bunch of cute girls.
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I started the night by having a beer with my friend John and telling him a few things I've learned about approaching girls. He was just dumped by his girlfriend of three years, so I hoped he could use the pointers to meet someone new.
The Rules Revisited | Lipstick Alley
Soon we started looking for girls we wanted to talk to. That is when the rejections started. Every guy has "on" nights and "off" nights - this was definitely an off night. Only one girl I talked to the entire evening wanted to keep talking to me, and she wasn't attractive. The first group I tried to start a conversation with immediate turned their backs on me, and didn't even acknowledge what I said to them - despite the fact that it was clearly audible.
Another girl entertained a conversation with me for a few minutes while my friend talked to hers, and then just walked away without even saying "excuse me," or "nice talking to you," - or even "bye. She didn't even listen to what I was trying to say to her. Time and time again I was shut down.
I should mention that I normally have good success when I approach women. I know how to start and carry a casual conversation tactfully, and most women find me attractive. My lack of success wasn't a matter of me being awkward or arrogant. I was doing the same kind of things I do on the nights when I walk out of the bar with phone numbers from the hottest girl there. There certainly are things a man can do to improve his chances with women, but there is also an element of chance.
You can't predict when a girl has had a bad day, or only likes black guys, or already has a boyfriend. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn't; sometimes she likes you, sometimes she doesn't.
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By some coincidence, tonight was a long series of "doesn't"s. I wanted to lash out at these women, to retaliate for the pain they'd inflicted with the effortless and unfeeling turn of a shoulder, or the shake of their head. Like a 5th grader, I wanted to tell them I didn't give a fuck because they were ugly and I didn't want to talk to them anyway; but it wasn't true. I wanted to tell them I didn't care because I already had three numbers that night; but it wasn't true. I wanted my personal sense of worth and value to be completely independent of their response to my approach; but it wasn't.
I wanted to not care, but I did. As a man, the greatest desire I feel is for women.
When I can't attract them, I feel worthless, impotent, emasculated. With each rejection, my sense of value was partially sucked out of me and trampled on the floor. And I had to stand there and pretend it didn't phase me, all the while trying to decide if it was worth pushing through the awkwardness and humiliation to see if there is a way to salvage the conversation and my pride , or if I should just give up, excuse myself and walk away - defeated.
Externally I maintained the same expression and held myself poised and upright; but inside, I was crushed.
The Rules Revisited
These girls' actions spoke volumes: But tonight the rejections piled on the rejections, and there was no recovering. At the end of the night I left the bar feeling dejected and angry.
But even if the type of reaction is different, the degree will be equally severe. It might be tempting to believe that " men have it easy " because we get to choose who we approach and when; but the truth is that women have just as much power in their ability to refuse a man's approach, as we have in our ability to initiate.
And it hurts no less for a man to be told he isn't worth a girl's time than it does for you to be told through a man's words, actions, or lack thereof that you aren't worth his. Although I edited this post later, I wrote the vast majority of it after coming back from the bar on the night described, hence the use of the present tense. How to Reject a Guy 2. Why Rejection is a Good Thing 3. Some Older Women Are Smart. There is a lot of talk on some of the blogs that I read about the horrors of feminism - from men and women alike.
While it might be obvious to some readers, I think others might be surprised to know that I am very much undecided about whether or not I support feminism. The way I see it, there are two possible models for understanding the role of feminism in society, and I have yet to decide which one I subscribe to. They disagree strongly, however, about whether or not this is desirable. Here is how I characterize the two models for understanding feminism's role in society: Men by nature assume masculine roles as protector and provider, while women by nature assume feminine roles as child-bearer and nurturer.
The two compliment each other well, and harmony is achieved when the two work together. Because they are engendered, they are also changeable; and we should do what we can to strive for equality. Here is my Pyrrhonistic rationale, which is more a case for the plausibility of the feminist world-view than the traditionalist one, which needs less defense since it has historical precedence: While the traits of both sexes are certainly deeply rooted in the male and female psyche, or perhaps in the fabric of society, it isn't obvious to me that they are necessarily innate or eternal. The obvious difficulties that feminism has introduced could be symptoms of a species trying to bend against its nature, but they could just as well be growing pains on the path towards a better state of affairs.
Traditionalists can make a strong argument that there are undeniable biological differences between men and women, and that these differences have far-reaching consequences, making men and women very different. But it is at least thinkable that we could shed these differences through evolution over the coming thousands of years, especially if we begin to conceive children outside of the womb - which technology will almost certainly allow us to do within the next years.
There is no question that men are less masculine than they were tens or hundreds of years ago, and women less feminine. But can this trend continue without a backlash or reaction? We are arguably seeing the inklings of this reaction the blogs that I referred to at the start of this post. This reaction could swing things back in the direction of extreme sexual polarity, which could persist, or else cause another reaction reinstating androgyny at which point the cycle would likely continue ad infinitum.
It certainly is difficult to imagine an androgynous society, but it isn't impossible. As we learn more about the brain and continue to discover mind altering substances which are being legalized by the places that lead social and political trends worldwide , is it so difficult to envision a scenario in which sexual pleasure is usurped by some other experience? Even if it would be arguably a worse situation than the one that the we are in now or were in traditionally , I don't see why that would mean we couldn't end up there as a species.
Now, all that being said, I think there is one important point left to make. It is a point that underlies every word written on this blog: Changes in social norms occur very gradually, so that you don't need to be concerned about the opposite sex suddenly being unattracted to the things it finds attractive now.
Ultimately, the point is this: Option 2 attracts men, Option 1 does not. So you can either support feminism in the hope of bettering the state of affairs in the future, or better your life now by finding love.
Call me selfish, but it seems like an obvious choice to me Katy Perry Is Brainwashing Women 3. The Analogy Between Confidence and Beauty. I get a lot of e-mails asking for relationship advice. This blog is growing rapidly in popularity, and the number of requests I get for advice has been increasing just as quickly.
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While I am happy to continue offering advice, it can be extremely time consuming to read and reply to these e-mails, especially when they contain long narratives of a relationship's history. So I need to set a few guidelines: End your e-mails with specific questions , rather than just asking for my take on a situation or embedding numerous questions throughout the e-mail.
So after telling me what happened between you and him, tell me what you want to know, for example, "Is he interested in more than just sex? You need to know what you want from the guy before you ask me what you should do or how to interpret his actions. Tell me your and his age and nationality. This helps me understand and interpret the situation. If either or both of you are seriously religious i. E-mails must be punctuated, paragraphed, and spell-checked. You don't need to craft a literary masterpiece, but if you send me a single, stream-of-consciousness, word paragraph consisting of two run-on sentences and typos, I will either send it back to you or ignore it.
These are incredibly difficult to read. I am going to take the time to read your e-mail carefully, think through your situation carefully, and write a clear response, so I need you to put a similar effort into your request. These details can sometimes be crucial to the story, but more frequently than not, you can get the same point across by saying "his text responses have been sporadic" or "sometimes he is warm, other times he is distant. If you can keep it under words, I will reply to you much faster, but I appreciate that sometimes will be too few to describe the situation accurately.